Blog Post 6: Extended Metaphors and Specificity

Within both of Greg’s sessions today (30/10/17), we discussed the skills needed to improve specificity within our writing, in particular, our descriptive pieces. Our warm-up exercise consisted of improving the specificity of a sentence, so it creates a more vivid image in the reader’s mind, and makes the story, plot and character more authentic to the reader.

This is the sentence we were given to improve: A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

We discussed the types of vocabulary that are generically used in descriptive pieces to improve the authenticity of the story for the reader. They were: Nouns, verbs/strong verbs, adverbs and adjectives. Once we had identified these aspects, we highlighted certain parts of the sentence that could be changed in order to make it more specific.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. By identifying these aspects, it made it a lot easier to develop and improve the language used within the sentence, as we were able to find alternative word to use altogether or we could find words to place before and after these aspects that would create the vivid imagery we wanted our reader to enjoy. Below are my improvements of the sentence:

• A tall, middle-aged man strides aggressively into a dingy bar, and demands a drink.

Once we had made our initial improvement, we continued to discuss the effect of specificity within writing. We spoke about the prominence of authenticity within both fiction and non-fiction pieces, and how details within writing follow the ‘Inverted Pyramid’ format. The skill of ‘showing and not telling’ was also a prominent discussion point, in terms of, ensuring our readers do not feel patronised whilst reading any of our work. After this more in-depth discussion, we had another attempt at improving the sentence further. Below is my second attempt:

• A grey, slim, middle-aged gentleman, strode confidently into a dark bar and politely ordered the finest Scotch available to the establishment. He was dressed in a suave suit that complimented his enigmatic character.

After the further discussion, I could see a vast improvement in the sentence specificity. The most prominent being the character as a whole. The image created of the character gives him an air of mystery, which intrigues the reader to discover what kind of character he really is. In order to improve this attempt further, I could have developed the setting of the bar in terms of its location, occupants and overall atmosphere.

After this exercise, we moved onto the skill of ‘showing and not telling’, which involved developing a set of mundane and vague sentences to show the reader what the character(s) may be doing without explicitly stating so.

1. She walked slowly across the room.
2. He ran quickly down the road.
3. He was very tired.
4. She loved him.
5. …the kids were bored…
6. Granny was drunk.

 

1. She swiftly and silently glided across the vast expanse of flooring beneath her.
2. With a catch in his breath, he continued to sprint along the dark, deserted tarmac.
3. He could feel the weight of his eyelids collapse as he gave into the sweet release of sleep.
4. She could not deny her feelings for him, yet he would never know.
5. The children were slumped against the sofa in a state of absent enthusiasm.
6. Granny stumbled across the kitchen to refill her ‘half-empty’ glass.

Once we had practiced this skill further, we moved onto the subject of extended metaphors. We were given three subjects that we would base our extended metaphors on. We had to write down our initial thoughts/ideas about the subjects in the form of a mind-map. The three subjects were: Factory, Religion and Education.

Factory:

• Low salary
• Industry
• Victorian
• Child labour
• Fumes
• Foreman/managers
• Production line- sweatshops
• Union
• Pollution
• Mass production
• Poor people
• China

Religion:

• Beliefs
• Discrimination
• Radicalistaion
• Hate crimes
• Forgiveness
• Hannukah
• Forced views/opinions
• Blasphemy

Education:

• Policies
• Bullying
• Uniform
• School dinners
• Councils/student body/board
• Loss of imagination

From these mind-maps, we had to combine two of the subjects to create an extended metaphor that described one subject with the other’s terminology. I decided to combine religion and education for my extended metaphor:

The blasphemous bullies come together to preach their hate to the masses in the playground. Their poisonous views and vile opinions are fed by the serpents in the staff room; radicalising the lost disciples as they enter the classroom in single file one by one. Their tongues are the chisels carving the commandments of hate into vulnerable minds. Feeding the future of hate and discrimination in today’s youth, preying on the naive nature of our generation.

After this exercise, we continued to practice creating our own extended metaphors. This time, we were given the subject of journeys. The journey could be based on personal experiences/life as a journey or another kind of journey i.e. spiritual. I decided to base my metaphors on the journey of life.

• Every journey is different and will lead everyone to different places of wonder and fear. Some people will experience one more than the other- their major fear may be expericed with the first 15 minutes of their journey or after the two hour mark, but one thing is certain: all paths lead to the same destination.
• Nervous tension fills the air until it descends upon everyone- the haze of the unexpected. Anxiety builds as the first steps are taken into the carriage of  experience and memories yet to be made. Nobody knows what will be experienced on this ride. The rollercoaster of life can be a thrill, yet it can intimidate us when we least expect it.
• The stages that life forces us to enter and exit are never-ending and often causes an unsettling feeling within us. We become irrational and often stray from our ‘beaten’ track. We are fragile glass bodies that are strong enough to break one another, yet we enter and leave this world in the same way; a deer caught in the headlights of life or death.

After this exercise, we discussed the work of Ernest Hemmingway, in particular his ‘Six Word Memoir’: ‘For Sale: baby shoes, never worn’. We discussed the possible meaning behind the short story, and why the word choice had a particular impact on the reader. The primary thought that came to the class was that the baby in question may have been miscarried or may have possibly died at birth/was stillborn. This initial thought proceeded to develop into a further analysis of the situation surrounding the story. From just six words we were able to create a character and a story that would have lead up to the story being written. We also discussed the punctuation choice, and how it would impact the reader differently if it was placed/used differently in the sentence. After discussing Hemmingway’s six word memoir, we looked at other examples of memoirs that were a mixture of humorous, serious and almost soul-bearing.

• Nixon childhood, Reagan teenager, hope finally.
• Facebook has ruined my entire life.
• Nobody cared, then they did. Why?
• Born bald. Grew hair. Bald again.
• Started small, grew, peaked, shrunk, vanished.

Once we had discussed the possible stories and people/characters behind these memoirs, we had to create our own six word memoirs, which would then be open for discussion in the class. They had to be based on our lives and personal experiences we have had in the past, so this meant their tone could range from funny and informal to serious and formal.

1. Being vague is my life story.
2. I canny deal with the jumper.
3. The razor: my body’s bloody paintbrush.
4. Stop! Don’t follow. Now, carry on.
5. Who doesn’t excel in becoming irrelevant?
6. People only care when you flat-line…
7. …these three little dots cause anxiety.

The memoir in bold is the one I decided the class could discuss and give feedback on. Initially, the class found a humorous aspect to the sentence due to the fact that by saying ‘Being vague’, I was in fact being vague with my language and overall statement. Once I explained the actual thought process and meaning behind the statement, the class immediately saw the statement in a different light. The vagueness I was writing about was in fact reference to the way I feel in terms of having no impact or importance in my own life or the lives of others. In simple terms, it reflects how I am present but not present enough to be given a second thought by anybody.

Once we had all discussed our work with one another, we returned to the skills of specificity and extended metaphors. We were given the same sentence to adapt and develop: A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Below are my further three attempts at adapting the specificity of the sentence:

1. A gaunt, slender man of 30 ambled into the dimly-lit bar and whispered his order.
2. In a flash of colour, the young gentleman sashayed his way through the open door, and ordered a peach and lime daiquiri.
3. The shriek of tears filled the air as she ran into the half-empty saloon; blouse torn and lipstick smudged. She slid behind the bar, grazing her ivory skin as her head collapsed into her clammy, bloody palms.

We then moved onto developing another extended metaphor for the different types of journey:

• The mundane motorway passes the window; distant, forgotten memories flashing past this hazy fog of thought.

Overall, I have found these exercises useful in terms of improving the clarity of my work, and being able to create an impact on a reader without masses unnecessary overwriting. I found the ‘Six word memoir’ particularly helpful for myself and the development of my writing, as I found that it may be of use to me in the future when I am struggling to find a starting point for my writing. The six words could possibly be used as prompts for my planning and overall thought process. They could also be used to help summarise my writing/the content of any fictional pieces I write. By limiting myself to just six words, I was able to adapt the clarity of what I was trying to write, whilst trying to create the biggest impact possible for the reader. I also found the extended metaphor exercise useful, as it allowed me to explore my creative writing and thought process differently, in terms of, adding a sense of discovery to my writing for the reader to explore and understand in their own, personal way.